kings and queens of promise

this is the last post that’s going to appear on this blog. i know this blog is quite recent, but i feel a need for change.

the reason for this is that over the last week, few days or so, i’ve thought a lot about many things. about friendships, family, the future. and i now realize that what i’ve always wanted to find has always been inside me. it’s just that all that happened around me kept me from finding it. i now know who i want to be and who i really am. and i’m happy, and i feel beautiful.


so with this change in my thoughts, feelings, dreams, and basically, everything about me, a change in everything around me comes as well. and so i feel the need to move on from this blog because here, i wrote many things that i no longer feel or think. i’ve let go of many things for the past few weeks, and i’ve never felt lighter.

so with these changes, there are still a few things to do. but i will get them done before this year ends. i’m excited for what’s to come. i’m ready for new challenges and know that i’m gonna be okay.

i feel complete. i feel free. i feel happy. i finally feel happy.

i’m in love with your honor

i’m fucking disappointed with you. this isn’t the first time. you tell me i’m right, tell me you won’t. then you do, you always fucking do. so you know what, if you don’t intend on getting better, changing your life, being a better person for yourself, your family and your friends, then don’t ask me for advice. don’t okay. because you know what i tell you is right. you’re fucking up your life. your life isn’t hard, you make it hard. your parents love you to death, but i cannot even imagine how much they hurt when they see you trip time and time again, because i hurt like hell. please. now i’m begging, pleading, on my knees. i’m fucking tired. so fucking exhausted. i can want this for you, but you have to want this for yourself. if you don’t, then i’m sorry. because i can’t be there for you anymore or help you. i love you, wish you just loved me enough as a friend to stop.

the only gift that i need

i’m not going to pretend anymore.

who was i kidding?

it still fucking hurts as much as it used to.

and nat, pick up. please, just pick up?

we need pills to sleep at night

the difference between me and you:

i know all your problems, know the pills you take, know your fears, know your habits, know your personality, know your interests, know what you love, know what you hate, know what your parents are like, know your strengths, know what to expect from you, can accept your abruptness.

and what do you know?

you hardly know anything about me. you don’t even know that music is my passion, my dreams, one of the most important aspects of my life. you think it’s my plan B, my back-up option, for if i don’t do well. that’s not what it is.

one may think we’re alright

hi, i’m sorry if i hurt you or wasn’t there for you. i’m sorry we never meet, and i’m sorry i hardly call or text. the exams are over, i know. but i want to spend time with my family, and i have so much to do this holidays. there are things i need to sort out in my head, and things i need to change about myself. i’m sorry that that may eat into our friendship. i don’t want it to. i won’t lie to you because you don’t deserve that. but it’s so tiring trying to help you. i pray for you all the time. to get better, to feel better, to feel worthy and beautiful and loved. and you are. you are everything that you feel you are not. it’s so hard to make you see that. i’m sorry okay nat? i love you, and our friendship means something to me. unlike the many other ‘friendships’ i have in my life. but i just don’t understand sometimes.

Starfighter Pilot

Christmas is around the corner, and I am extremely excited. I love christmas card making, christmas present wrapping, christmas stickers, christmas trees, christmas decorations, christmas presents, christmas joy, christmas giving, christmas colours, christmas santa-like hats, christmas goodies being sold EVERYWHERE in singapore, christmas, christmas, and more christmas!

So graduation ceremony is over. So is prom. They were both more fun than I expected. Which was good. I also went to a sunny island with my parents which was good. So, here are some pictures. Cos my blog rarely has pictures. And I actually have some nice pictures to post this time. Enjoy!













Okay, off to make christmas cards. Hope you’ve had a wonderful day.

P.S. : Hi Wennie, everything will get better in time. Things happen for a reason, and God will always carry you through the tough times. You’re an incredible person, and the happiness that you’re trying to find will arrive when you least expect it. Like you told me last time: When one door closes, another one opens. So keep praying, because He always answers prayers. I love you!

the people i’ve met are the wonders of my world

xinwei is so sweet. very unexpected and simple text, but wow. reached my heart in a whole different way. so xinwei, if you see this, hi and really, thank you. <3 and michelle, thanks too. i saw what you said on facebook. i hope you're well, and i'll definitely call you soon. <3

meeting andrew in a bit. so glad that i am. (: had such strange, colorful dreams. i had one dream where my cousin opened a bag, and a little kitten was inside. and it meowed and meowed and wouldn’t stop, and i started to wake up. then i woke up and realized that my cat was meowing, cos she wanted to get out of my room. how strange haha. brother left for SEA games training early this morning. :( that sucks. but i’ll be off somewhere SECLUDED this weekend. haha. pretty much not contactable unless you’re special like aaron. haha. intending on making a nice bag of goodies for him today. so i’m gonna shop for yummies and pretty things with andrew. (: andrew’s awesome just to let you know.

anyhow. will blog again later. byebye. have a good afternoon.

i lay down on the cold ground.

all the happy high wore off. today i’m okay. just okay. nothing more, nothing less. a little absent, a little cloistered, but okay.

my dress has been dry-cleaned, and it now hangs crease-free in my closet. but the more i think about it, the more i start to hate the idea of the prom. i mean, getting dressed up, made up, high heels (which i don’t normally wear) and all, for a bunch of other girls. think about it that way, and it starts to seem pretty gay. plus, it’s exhausting, and i’m not really close to anyone in the school.

i wish i was, honestly i really do. wy and i can get along well, but we’ve reached the point in our friendship where you just don’t go any further. she can’t understand or accept quite a lot of who i am, or was. she’s incredibly sheltered, and her maturity wavers. don’t get me wrong, she’s been a wonderful friend, and has listened to a lot of what i have had to say. she has a good heart, and is very, very sweet. but she doesn’t know a lot about me, and in a way, will never be able to get to know me. besides wy, i guess there’s nf, in terms of my class. she’s the 4th person in the entire world who i’ve told about more personal things. and that’s only because i know i can trust her, even though we’re not that close. she can definitely understand, and it feels good being able to talk to someone else about things that matter, things that are sometimes scary, sometimes painful, and always wonderful. thing is, she has a close, close friend who’s in the same school and who’s the same age, which accounts for A LOT.

my best friend isn’t in the same country. my boyfriend, who’s also my best friend, is in army and only comes out on weekends. so i guess, for me right now, it’s just wanting to have someone constant, someone who’s always around, who’s in reachable distance, and someone i can talk to about anything and everything without any judgement whatsoever. what breaks me is feeling weak, and wanting to call someone. but when i look through my contact list on my phone, there’s no one i would be able to call.

some day soon.

Is love alive?

Chinese is finally over, so I had time to record one song for the CD. (kinda)

I’ll continue tomorrow. Hope it turns out well, cos I want it to be AWESOME. Still havn’t thought of which songs to record, but obviously some of my own. The W song, the D song, the A song, the other A song, the other other A song… They really don’t have names. Haha pathetic. Anyway, quite happy. Will probably meet Andrew on thursday which is great, cos I havn’t seen hi in too long. Not gonna see Aaron till sunday. :( But he was nice, and let me open my birthday present (which has been sitting on my table since october 1st). And it’s awesome, and i’m addicted. (: He’s the best. And oh yes, he finally drew on my wall. He drew a I hahaha. Representing the 22nd. (: So cute.

Good days from today onwards. Meaning a lot of time to write (FINALLY), learn to cook properly, shop, throw out A LOT of my clothes, CHRISTMAS PRESENT SHOPPING/WRAPPING/CARD MAKING, etc. (: How exciting. Okay, just one more paper to go and I’m done.

Anyhow, making a new FB account, and adding people who I actually regard as my friends. Like people I wanna be able to contact easily and all. So yes, I’m deleting all my photos and stuff from my present FB account right now. (: Okay. Sleep time soon. Night world.

what sarah said

never think about the possibilities. void, as in empty.

thing is, i’m sinking.

but you don’t have to worry, i’ll never tell.

hands

all that’s left of her is ashes.

that’s it, that’s all she is. ashes in a marble jar.

and she doesn’t get to be anything else.